hellsing TFS spinoff: highschool DXD
by Amvmaster
Summary: for context please read my main story hellsings cracked skeleton TFS edition, ok heres the summary what do you do when you take a cracked SI-OC and place them into the middle of a semi serious canon like highschool dxd? "that's a good question" "shut up Hamish" "well excuse me integra I thought I was the main character!" "you are no matter how stupid it is" "bitch" "asshole". OOC
1. god is real?

**Phew boy hello and welcome all those who have read hellsings cracked skeleton TFS edition and to those who just came here allow me to just say I think it would be better if you read my first story to get well more of a handle on how my character works and context, you'll need that here**

 **Other than that this took a while so sorry if you are all were expecting this sooner but well here I am now I** **'ll leave everything else at the bottom until then please start reading**

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Chapter 1 the truth will set you free or something

"so gods real, devils and angel and basically everything supernatural is real, and you decide to tell me this now?" I asked integra as we both sat in her office, with me sitting down with my arms crossed as I gave her an unimpressed look

"pretty much, yes everything that supernatural is very much real" integra said as she had a blank look on her face

"and why pray chance did you not tell me hell why didn't alucard tell me?" I asked in confusion as I kinda expected him to do it

"we voted on it and we havent exactly decided to reveal your existence to the council just yet" integra said which confused the fuck out of me

"but they just saw me when mr compensation and his merry band of ghouls invaded hellsing!" I exclaimed as integra sighed

"yes that is true but that doesnt mean they know of what you can do for all they know your just some random homeless kid alucard took home as a pet" integra said as I stopped for a second and just groaned in annoyance

"alright fine fine fine don't care just tell me what the hell is this mission so I can railroad it and get back to my game" I said as I was just about done with a certain part on a certain game I was having trouble with, you may know it, its called final fantasy 15 just finished grinding my ass up

"well there lies the problem this mission isnt simply something you can rush right through it, in fact this is a more….long term mission" integra said as my mind suddenly went blank

And then everything suddenly made more sense than ever, god, devils, angels no no no no no no no NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

"you will be gone for about a year or so and this mission well its more a favor from an old friend" integra said as her smile was kind, she never smiles like that, no no no no no please fucking no.

"well then good news you leave immediately and heres a file on what your mission really is good luck" integra said happily as I suddenly felt something stab into my shoulder and everything suddenly started to spin and the only thing I could hear was alucard deep evil chuckle

God damn it I was told crack fic, just a fucking crack fic!

Not this….shit!

LATER

"aaaaaaahhhhhhh my head" I groaned out as I found myself waking up in a leather plane seat, how did I know I was on a plane?

Well the port hole sized winder was a pretty good indication for one that and the sounds of jet engines was an obvious

"ah your awake integra did say you were going to wake shortly I guess she was correct" I suddenly heard a voice said

Shaking my head I felt like I just injested 2 kegs of whiskey and threw it back up only to chug another barrel of rum

"fucking alucard" I muttered as I rubbed my eyes as my killer headache was feeling the need to get just worse for yours truely

"well speaking of the old vampire he also sent his own message in a way of saying good luck I suppose" the voice said as I blinked and found a note held in front of me

Taking the note I summoned my glasses over my eyes and read the note outloud

"dear friend, have fun, don't forget to write, cause as much chaos as possible and don't forget to…..I am not reading that out loud but I get the message kill the Vatican got it" I said slowly as I placed the note down and groaned in pain as that headache just flared up

"do not worry Hamish our flight is just about to end now" the voice said as I sighed

"screw that here take this" I said as I summoned a frying pan in my hand and held it out

"uuuuuh excuse me?"

"i cant take the pain knock me the fuck out please" I said seriously

"a-are you sure thats a wi-"

"i have lived with a blood sucking vampire that from time to time gets a bit handsy(not sexually) when he hasn't drunken enough blood for the day or weekend with that I found out I heal at least as fast as him when I want to and before you even say that I could just heal the headache, it don't work like that since headaches are temporary and is an internal problem now will you please knock me out" I explained quite easily as the healing part was and honest surprise, I was still pissed off with alucard but the information about said healing was great news

Meant I wasn't going to die easily

"alright if you so sure"

"oh shut up an-"

*THUNK!*

LATER

"oooooooh ok feeling better" I said as when I woke up this time I was now sitting in a limo

"ah your awake you feeling better?" the same voice from before said as I blinked a couple times and stared at the person who had that voice

God fucking damn it I am here I'm in DXD fucking hell fuck this, fuck that monk and fuck sirzechs you amazingly handsome man

"sigh yeah I'm better thank you" I said as I felt way better as my hang over washed right over and I could now think coherently and every other side affect of hangovers was no longer there

"good well good news we are close to the school" sirzechs said as I raised an eye brow

"school?" I questioned

"yes didn't integra tell you your mission?" sirzech asked as I groaned

"were you given a file or something?" I asked quickly just like that he handed me said file

Opening it up I gave it a quick skim and then my fears were suddenly coming

"no no no no no no NO NO NO NO GOD DAMN IT INTEGRA YOU BLEACH DRINKING CROSS DRESSING WHORE-!"

WITH INTEGRA NOW

"hmmm strange I wonder if Hamish has landed yet?" she inquired taking a sip of her fine whine

"i do say sir, that are you sure this is a wise decision? Not to seem like I'm contradicting you but putting someone like Hamish in this environment seems very….unnerving if I do say so myself" walter said as integra simply chuckled

"oh walter Hamish had this coming when he started to follow alucards example" integra said with a grin that was evil as ever

"yes lets just hope he doesnt end up taking up alucards way of….cleaning up" walter said with a sigh

BACK TO ME

"well welcome Hamish hellsing(only thing anyone could come up with since no one know shis last name), to kuoh academy" sirzechs said as I stood there with a glare that directed right at said school

"god fucking damn it" was all I said as I slowly walked into said school

* * *

 **yo hope you enjoyed this one and well as ive said before in my last story this is basically taking my OC and throwing him into the serious canon of highschool DXD**

 **and damn did this take a while to write and edit, not perfect I admit but its the best I can do for all of you**

 **now then again if your just joining us please read my last story**

 **other than that I hope you will enjoy this journey through the life of dealing with angels, devils and perverted shit as well as some other stuff as well**

 **and well please don't forget to leave a**

 **fave**

 **follow**

 **and review**

 **LATERS!**


	2. ground rules

**ok this took a while longer so sorry about that**

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Chapter 2 ground rules

growling in annoyance I slowly made my way through the halls and watched as everyone I walked past all flinched as I made contact with them

Now before we go on I am not growling at them I was instead growling towards integra who thought I would be a perfect baby sitter to one of the most spoiled brats ever.

didn't help that the file said I had to go school as a student but the fact was already placed in the same class together, damn it damn it damn it

I wasn't happy to find out that I was not only in hellsing but also highschool dxd and by god the fact they werent even close to being crack almost pissed me off even more.

Fuck you monk, fuck you for making go through this stupid shit

Walking to the class I was assigned to I found it on the top floor and when I walked in I saw the class was completely filled with girls, oh well isnt this perfect!?

Trying to hold back my growl as I saw a familiar shade of crimson hair I walked in and quickly wrote down my name in english and said these simple

"i'd appreciate it if you could all ignore me during our time in school, thank you" I said in perfect Japanese as I quickly made my way towards the back of the class and sat in what I presumed was an empty seat.

Leaning forwards I quickly made it look like I was instantly asleep and slowly listened to their conversations

"w-wow that was a bit serious" said a random girl

"y-yeah kind of scary how he just barged right in"

"got that right we should stay away from him, hes probably a part of the yakuza"

"nope hes probably some gangsta thats been sent here to set up shop nearby"

"oh no thats not good should we call the teacher?"

"no we don't know fully well if he is, so lets not just assume"

"still doesnt help that hes scary as hell"

"we'll see later"

Wow that escalated quickly, well they werent wrong hellsing if you looked at it was just a more organized version of the mafia sooooo yeah not wrong there they are.

But it was one conversation in particular that I was more interested in

"do you feel that?"

"hai buchou to think someone this powerful is inside our school is very scary don't you think"

"hai but the better question is why is he here? Doesnt he know this is my brothers terrritory, then he should know better than to waltz right in without warning"

"indeed, I wonder who he is cause I've never heard of the name Hamish hellsing before"

"indeed I'll have to ask my brother about this maybe he can tell us more about this hellsing person"

Ohohohohoho I've just walked into school and already you curious of me my my my things seem to be turning very interesting

Or well thats what I would be thinking if I wasn't too much being annoyed by how many of these damn girls where staring at me god damn it!

Fuck it, could be worse

LATER at night on a school roof top

I stood on the roof looking up at the night sky

"lovely night" I said with a smile but soon that smile was gone as I felt my cellphone vibrate

"oh great now what?" I questioned as I quickly pulled out my phone and saw that integra just emailed me another mission

"nearby disturbances, investigate and do what you can to keep things within budget" I read as the last part just a warning for me not to go voer board and cause collateral damage

"well at least alucards not around to help with that" I said as I placed the address into google maps and quickly teleported my way around there

If your wondering what I'm wearing well its basically my blue fur lined hoody, white t shirt, black jeans and finally a pair of grey DC sneakers

Smirking I found the address of an old looking warehouse which I can clearly remember from the stupid god damn canon

"oh this will definitely be interesting" I muttered as I summoned my hammer(crysis 3 hammer), pulling the slide back I quickly loaded a bullet in the chamber and pulled my hood over my head

"hmmmmmmmm well isnt this interesting who may you be?" I heard a seductive voice said as I looked up, watching as the moon light show a woman with now clothes and showing basically everything she had on herself tits and all

"just your average exterminator" I said casually as I pulled my gun up and not even bothering on listening I fired and watched as her left arm exploded in blood

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH YOU FUCKER!" the stray devil shouted as she quickly jumped down as I could now see her…..disturbing lower half

"you are the single most ugly thing I have ever seen, and I work with the crimson fucker himself" I said as I leaned to the right dodging a yellow laser that shot out of her tits, like I'm not kidding that is as cool as it seems was gross as all living hell.

"you'll pay for that you-"

*SNAP!*

Before she could finish that sentence I quickly summoned a huge bone that shot up from the ground and sent the the stray upwards managing to crash right through the metal roof I smirked as I quickly teleported away and watched from a distance as the stray crashed back into the the collapsing warehouse

"integra is going to lose her shit if she ever found about this" I said as I casually took my phone out and took a picture of said collapsing warehouse

"time to post it" I said said as I posted said picture on twitter with the caption: first day in japan and I'm already fucking it up hehehe #LOL

And just like that my fans have greatly retweeted it

WITH INTEGRA NOW

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT HAMISH" integra shouted as she glared at Hamish's newest tweet

"should have seen that coming" walter mumbled as he couldn't help but face palm

BACK TO ME

"wonder if maccas is still open this time of night?" I wondered as I could go down for a hunger buster or a chicken bacon deluxe right about now

Stopping midway of that thought I quickly turned around as I felt something different in the air and well that and that giant red magic circle was a good indication of this

"oooooh boy this should be interesting" I said as holster my gun and summoned a bottle of jack Daniels in my hand

And with a some what of flashy way 6 or 5 individuals suddenly appeared in the middle of said magic circle

"w-what the-"

"ello ello whats all this then?" I said in my best stereotypically British accent that sounded more piratey and more johnny dep kind of piratey

"who are you!?" rias the red head who I was definitely supposed to look after yelled as I was about to answer when suddenly the collapsed warehouse started to move

"hold that thought love gotta end things with the misses" I said as I took a sip of my bottle and turned back to the stray devil that angrily showed herself with her left or right arm completely gone she completely looked furious at was directing allot of her hate towards me

"care to try again bitch?" I asked as she howled and leaped into the air towards me

"meh I've seen better" I said as I left my eye turn blue and I lifted my hand up and watched as the strays entire body started to glow blue and and just like that I watched with a smirk as I slammed the stray into the ground using my telekinetic powers.

She struggled to get out oh my telekinetic hold but I just made her fly upwards straight into the air, don't know how far but after 5 seconds of nothing I sent it back to the ground back into the collapsed warehouse which now had a new crater

"well time to to finish the job I guess" I said as I snapped my finger and summoned two gaster blasters by my sidesa nd they quickly flew off and fired two large blue beams of energy that was doing its job

"jobs done see ya at school" I said as I waved at the group

"wait hold on I demand to know who you are why are you here!?" rias yelled at me as I casually turned around and gave her shrug

"didnt your brother tell you I'm here to take care of you?" I questioned as she froze

"wait what?"

"yeah your brother pulled a favor from my boss and well here I am supposed to look out for you or something" I stated as I threw my hood off showing my face to them

"oh and before you say anything the names Hamish but my victims call me well the sapphire hellraiser" I said as I started to chuckle darkly as everyone but the brown haired idiot literally recoiled physically backwards.

"who?" the one and only issei fucking hyoudou asked in confusion as I couldn't help but smirk

"issei listen carefully when I say that this is literally the one person you should never ever associate with" the blonde headed prince of kouh exclaimed as I couldn't help but grin

"uuuuuh why?"

"because" I said as I casually teleported just behind the ignorant young devil and wrapped my arm around his shoulders making him freeze

"im possibly the most interesting person in this entire town and your blonde haired little pretty boy just doesnt want my interest to wash off on ya" I said with a chuckle as he looked at me with instant fear

"wait h-how did you-"

"issei. Stop. Talking" rias said with clenched teeth as her tone made the young devil shut his trap

"why?" rias questioned with vemon rolling off her tongue

"why what?" I questioned removing my away from issei

"why did I come here? Why did I go to your school? Why did I kill that stray? Well the last one is self explainitory but you know just being polite n all" I said as I kinda trailed off but I stopped as I watched as rias's face was completely covered by her hair

"why did my brother sent you really" she stated lowly as I simply stared at her blankly

"clearly you didn't hear me when I said, I'm here to look out for you, but hey its just like woman to never listen when it really counts" I said casually as I walked right on past everyone and stood right in front of rias

"so your just here to be my babysitter?" she stated coldly as I shrugged still keeping my blank stare

"you could say that or-"

*SNAP!*

"-im here to make sure you don't go and do something stupid" I said as I summoned my bones and created instant cages around everyone but me and rias.

Her head suddenly revealed as she looked at me in shock

"what the hell!?" issei's shouted in shock while everyone else was more silent in their shock

"w-what are you-"

"doing to your peerage?" I finished as I gave her an evil smirk

"well I'm caging them up obviously" I said as I watched as her eyes flew right to the cages

"now then lets get one thing clear, no matter what you say, no matter what you do your going to run it through me for not only safety but everyone else, everything you do is going to monitored by me and everything you think about it, is going to be everything I know about, meaning if you like a boy you tell me, you got a date you tell me, your on you minstrel cycle, well I'm going to be honest here and say I'm crossing the line between knowing what your doing, to bodily functions but I think you know where I'm going with this now don't you?" I stated as she stared at me in shock

"y-your basically invading my life, t-thats not fair!" rias yelled in anger as I shrugged

"darling if you think this is not fair then you should you really be having this conversation with someone like me?" I stated blandly as I well pretty much told her that was self explanatory

"why would brother even get you to do this!?" rias yelled as I just stood back from how loud she was

"well first of all it wasn't your brother who sent me it was my boss who is doing a favour for your brother, second if your going to yell at me or play the blame game talk to your brother and third you think I wanted to be here? In highschool reliving something id rather never like to relive ever,do think I wanted to take care of a bratty spoilt little girl who thinks everything revolves around her!?" I shouted

"no I didn't hell I fucking told my boss that this wasn't going to go down well and here we are!" I exclaimed waving my hand to my persuado prisoners

"and thats not even the worst news" I said frankly as it was true

"what could be any worse than this!?" rias shouted as I glared at her seriously

"sir integra of the hellsing organization would have sent the crimson fucker alucard himself if it wasn't for me, so if think about it you got lucky!" I shouted right at rias

"and just to make things just a tad interesting I'm alucards clean up crew and I've sees how he works, how he has fun, how he fucking eats and worst of all is that I enjoyed every single second of it" I said seriously as rias flinched at the look on my face

"and I know this is the second chapter and all but listen here when I say this little red!" I yelled as I quickly summoned a gaster blaster and quickly jumped right on top of his head

"i can kill you and be done with it all and I don't give a shit about your brother cause I got the biggest scariest mother fucker on speed dial and hes just itching to have a dick measuring contest with someone like the strongest satin" I said as I snapped my fingers and the bone cages disappeared

"so until next time see you at school!" I said as gaster flew off into the sky as I left a scared bunch of children back there.

"you think I went to far?" I questioned the readers as some of them nodded and some of them shrugged and the other were either grinning like loons or were really high off of some pretty good kush.

"i'll take that as a yes" I said as turned my head and stared upwards at the moon that hung in the sky.

Just another night for me I guess

Chapter 2 end

* * *

 **hey yo I'm just going to just leave you guys with just saying I hope you enjoyed it really that's all**

 **well I guess I should leave you all not to forget to leave a-**

 **fave**

 **follow**

 **and review**

 **LATERS**


	3. off my rockers!

****hi no excuses here ive just been busy writing my new fanfic so sorry for not uploading****

 ** **but here it is****

* * *

 ** **Chapter 3 off my rockers!****

Walking into my class I looked around as some of the groups of girls just looked at me and quickly looked away, meh not like I care looking around It didn't seem rias was in class

"hmph guess she thought I was kidding" I said as I walked out of class and before anyone (or if they did its not like I give a shit) could see I teleported in the occult clubs main room as I heard a shower going on

Oh come on really?

Rolling my eyes I walked right towards the shower curtain and opened it up as I saw a small bathroom with a shower, a basin, towel rack, mirror and theres the shower

And looks whos hugging their legs in said shower

"sigh looks like I was right" I muttered as I walked over to the shower and blinked as I saw the mirror was fogged up, hold on wait it doesnt even feel humid in-oh you have got to be kidding me!

Throwing the shower open I quickly turned off the shower and there she was rias gremory was sitting there shivering like she was frozen, her head looked up at me as she looked scared beyond anything while I gave her a blank stare

"sigh you know I expected allot of things but instant depression? Thats well new" I said as she just gave me a glare

"oh for fuck sake don't give me that look, I mean last I didn't even mean half of that shit, I was just being well melodramatic which I am quite honestly the most guilty of over using from time to time, but hey not like I stopped for a minute and think my-ok fuck it I'm just rambling on about nothing" I said as I shook my head

"look are you going to get up or am I going to have to pick you up?" I questioned as she just continued to glare at me

Oh for fucks sake where is akeno?

"look your most likely going to have a cold so this is what I'm going to do" I said as I summoned a towel in my hands and threw it on her head

"i am going to leave clothes for you to wear, your going to dry yourself and you are going to come out here and well I'll leave everything up to your imagination" I said as I placed said clothes on the basin and walked out making sure to slide the curtain on the way out I sighed and leaned against the wall and pulled out my phone texting integra

 ** **SapphireHellraiser: yo****

 ** **Hellsing: ah Hamish report****

 ** **SH: scared my ward, threatened her now shes depressed and is most likely suffering PTSD****

 ** **H: what. The. Fuck!?****

 ** **SH: yeah I admit it, I went far on this one****

 ** **H: far? You tramuatised a 17 year old in less than 24hrs! You may not know it but alucard is laughing his ass off!****

 ** **SH: well I'm sorry shes such a spoiled brat that needed a slap to the face about how she shouldnt blame me for something her brother organized!****

 ** **H:well then how about you explain it to him then?****

 ** **SH:wtf hell no I'm dealing with the problem now and I'm fixing it, getting him involved now isnt going to help anyone but make it worse, now I gotta go the brats getting out now****

And with that I shut my phone off knowing fully well this conversation was over until one of us brings it back up later

With the curtain being opened I watched as rias stumbled out of the bathroom as her legs and body were shaking

"alright down on one of the couches" I said as as rias gave me a mild glare but quickly did as she was told

And now I'm havin S and M fantasies great I blame alucard

Fucking stupid dick head alucard

Once rias was on the couch I quickly summoned a large fluffy blanket and threw over her

Rias moved her head from under the blanket and stared blankly at it for a minute before she said

"is this spiderman?"

".…yes" I said as I kinda paused for a second there

"why do you have-"

"hes my favorite superhero, now shut up and go to sleep , your most likely going to get a cold or something" I said as threw a couple thick pillows right at her

"im not going to sle-OW! What the hell did you. Just. do? Whys The world spinning?" and like that rias was out like a rock

"good thing I stole some sedatives before hand" I said as I took the needle and threw into the nearby trash and quickly moved her around the couch until she was sleeping soundly and comfortably

"now while shes doing that I'll have a look at some of the paperwork shes most likely been given to by her brother" I said as rias kinda gave off a integra feel when it came to paperwork, rules and other shit she'd most likely be high strung about.

Sitting down on the desk I quickly replaced my clothes with a more easy going set of clothes that I called my Hawaiian vacation, which as you could already guessed had me wearing a Hawaiian flower shirt with blue flowers, a pair of cargo shorts and finally a pair of nothing on my feet.

"sigh this is better" I said casually as I went through the major paperwork and just read them quietly

"hmph ok first we got requests….."

And like that most of my day was sorting requests between piles that I had made for different requests.

And while I was doing that I did make sure to wake up rias every now and again to see how she was and gave her small snacks that would warm her up faster.

All in all I just became her fucking babysitter!

LATER

Initially I expected a full on assault against me, but this was unexpected

"so your taking care of rias now? Wow you are her babysitter" akeno stated with a small smirk on her face while I had a small twitch in my left eye

"watch it there queeney or I'll sedate you too" I said as I held up a needle to prove I would

"calm down I'm just teasing, but then again I find it interesting how your still here after you basically threatened to kill all of us" akeno said as her tone became dangerously saucy

"i wouldnt be so threatening if your so called friend took a second and looked at it from her brothers perspective she would have seen that this was probably the best way he could look out for without doing something drastically….stupid" I said as I tried to find the right word there

"hmph fine, well then care to tell me what you have been doing while my king has been sleeping?" akeno asked in a more friendlier tone as she gestured to the four piles in front of me

"these the requests you have gotten, how recent they are is completely unknown to me but I've read and skimmed through all of these and made four piles" I said as gestured said piles on the desk

"now the one on the left are requests that are the least dangerous and more simplistic like for example walking someones dog or help cooking dinner all in all these are easy and safe, the one next to it are the more mild and more interesting requests that are higher on the danger scale but are completely doable may need to account for some of them getting harder or more interesting during the request but I think everyone is capable enough to do them" I said as those piles were small compared to the other two

"and what about the other two?" akeno asked as I sighed

"that one right there are the most dangerous request that may or may not involve some heavy violent actions against some people and is something I would rather not have anyone do unless they can really handle it" I said seriously as that was one of the more dangerous piles

"ok but what about the last one then?"

"oh those are the perverted ones all of them ranging from mild dress up to heavy sexual contacts I think I'm going to have to talk to sirzechs about this pile cause half these request are pretty involved" I said as it really was involved

"ok then" akeno said as I sighed

"now thats out the way, where in the fucking hell were you when miss depression was have a hyper thermic shower?" I asked as I really wanted to know this

"well rias ordered me to leave her alone until tomorrow, and I did" akeno said as she didn't seem to take pride in those words

"and you decided that because as her slave you'd do as she said and fucked off knowing fully well how much of fucked up mess she was in? Well done" I said clapping my hands congratulating her

"well I'm sorry but if she wanted to be alone fine I'll leave her alone whats so b-"

"dont even bother finishing that, rias was literally shaking in the shower I had to guilt her into getting on that couch" I said as I gestured to said couch

"but hey thats over and done with I wanted to inform you to please don't leave her like that, I get the hating me thing but make sure shes in the right mind before you leave her" I said as I stood up and stretched and switched out my clothes to my usual ones

"now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go me and her something to eat after that I expect you to explain to everyone that as of this moment I'm taking over rias's duties as your king until she is well better" I said as akeno nodded and I teleported outside and casually walked down the street to go buy me and rias some hot food.

I think some pizza will do her some good

LATER

3rd pov

"so wait that guy is going to be our king!?" iseei yelled but was quickly silenced but a slap against the head of the most stotic person there

"she just said that you pervert" koneko said blankly

"sigh things just got interesting" kiba said as he rubbed his eyes

"indeed" akeno quickly agreed while koneko casually walked over and poked the sleeping rias in the cheek

"soft" was all she said as she continued to poke her

"koneko please stop that" akeno scolded but it sounded too light on her part as she giggled at how funny it looked to see the shorter girl poking their kings cheeks

"well what the hell is that guys problem?" issei wondered sensibly as he tried to not to stare at rias's curves under the blanket

"issei Hamish is well how do I explain this?" kiba wondered as akeno nodded in wonder as well

"SUP FUCKERS I GOT PIZZA!" Hamish suddenly yelled as he casually kicked the big door open making everyone jump in shock as they turned and saw Hamish wearing a Hawaiian shirt, shorts and a no shoes while his hands was holding 6 boxes of pizza

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...what?" Hamish questioned as she stared at everyone as they just stared at him in shock

"nothing" everyone said as Hamish nodded and walked over to coffee table and set the boxes down

"ok time to wake up you" Hamish said as his summoned his hammer and holding it over his head he pulled the trigger

*BANG!*

"AH!" rias yelped as she instantly woke up in fright, shooting upwards in a sitting position throwing the top of the blanket off as everyone froze and saw she wasn't wearing anything under that blanket

"AAAAAAAAH RIAS'S TITS!" issei yelled in joy as he felt his nose shot out a stream of blood but suddenly found koneko's fist in his gut instantly knocking him down to the ground

"talk about an instant knock out" Hamish stated as he saw said spectacle with a grin

"alright now back to you" Hamish said looking back at he somewhat tired looking rias as she tried to figure out what was going on

"what the hell happened to that shirt I gave you?" Hamish wondered as he summoned another said shirt in his hand and quickly put it on over her

"i didn't like the feel to it" she mumbled through the fabric as she struggled to get said shirt over her head

"bunchou are you alright?" akeno quickly questioned as she helped her her arms through the sleeves

"akeno, oh heeeeeey I think so Hamish?" rias questioned tiredly

"as fine as a jackalope on cocaine" Hamish replied as ria's head finally popped out of the shirt and nodded

"yeah what he said" rias said falling back down onto the soft pillow as she sighed

"oi no dozing off yet you still need to eat" Hamish said as pulled her back

"but I don't wannaaaaaa" rias moaned in lazy displeasure

"what happened to bunchou?" kiba wondered in shock

"oh I stabbed her with sedatives" Hamish sad casually as everyone back pedalled and stared back at Hamish in shock

"you did what!?" akeno yelled in shock

"yeah but for some reason they just wont leave her system for some reason" Hamish said as he held her up by her shoulder and placed a slice of pizza in her mouth, rias at the sight of food instantly grabbed the slice with both hands and slowly started to it eat like how a mouse eats cheese

"hmmm check the rubbish bin where I placed the syringe I need to see it real quick" Hamish said as kiba being the knight quickly ran over and picked out said syringe and handed it to Hamish.

Examining the syringe Hamish stared blankly until he sighed and knew exactly what was going on

"ok false alarm rias isnt in danger everyone" Hamish said as everyone sighed in relief

"she just stoned off her face, I gave her liquid weed" Hamish stated blankly while giving rias another slice of pizza

"wait you drugged our master!?" issei shouted as he just woke up in time for the explanation

"in a way, yes and in another way I've opened her eyes" Hamish said cryptically as he held his own slice up for him when rias suddenly stole it out of his hand and ate it, staring at rias with a befuddled look Hamish turned back and nodded

"opened her eyes to what?" koneko asked as Hamish scratched his chin in thought

"that is a good question, rias what do you think?" Hamish asked rias as she stopped mid bite and stay like that for 5 seconds and finally said something

"pizza tastes fucking amazing" and like that rias jumped right back into eating pizza

"see shes now enlighten to the greatness that that is pizza" Hamish said as he took another slice and quickly ate it before rias stole it off of him

"sigh I don't believe it you drugged our master, sirzerchs is not going to like this" akeno said rubbing her head as she felt like a headache the size of Olympus coming over her.

"oh don't worry about here eat this I bet you'll better" Hamish said holding out a burrito towards akeno who just sighed and grabbed the burrito and tentatively took a bite out of it

"mmmmm thats nice" akeno said as she took a bigger bite

"im glad your enjoying it made it myself" Hamish said with a large smile on her face

"whats it called?" akeno questioned happily as Hamish had a large grin on his face

"its called a trippa snippa" Hamish replied as he took another bite of his slice

"whys it called that?" kiba wondered

"because it trips you the fuck out and your whole life gets snipped from reality" Hamish said blandly as everyone stopped and froze

"w-what exactly is inside this?" akeno wondered

"The trippa snippa is Speed, weed, heroin, cocaine, mushrooms, pine-o-clean, petrol, battery acid, acid, salvia, some herbs and spices and some lettuce and tomato, vodka sauce, bam and the dirt is gone, Ajax spray and wipe, some chicken and cheese all wrapped in a tortilla" Hamish recited as his grin came back bigger than ever as akeno stared at the burrito and back at Hamish then back at the burrito and then back at Hamish, repeating the process about a couple more times before she suddenly froze

Her eyes widened while her pupils dilated, her muscles suddenly relaxed as everything around her suddenly went rainbows and sycadlik while the only thing she could hear was a maniac laughing that she quickly deduced was Hamish's.

Issei's eyes widened in worry as he and kiba quickly ran over and checked on akeno while koneko watched in worry from the side

"what the hell!? why did you drug akeno as well!?" issei shouted as he glared at him

"because its funny and I'm practically insane why do you think I did it?" Hamish questioned still helping the stoned rias with eating her pizza

"this isnt good akeno looks like shes going into shock!" kiba yelled as Hamish sighed and rolled his eyes and got up and walked over to the three as he saw akeno starting to shake in place

"oh yeah hold on I can fix that" Hamish said as he quickly walked over the couch pried her mouth open and summoned a bottle of whiskey and poured some of the whiskey down her throat.

After akeno swallowed she suddenly stopped shaking and fell asleep

"what the hell just happened!?" issei shouted at Hamish as he shrugged

"she looked thirsty so I gave her a drink, that and she'll be up by tomorrow I mean I didn't give her that much" Hamish said as he summoned a pillow and blanket

"now then as these two are out of commission which I admit is totally my fault its time to assign you three some jobs so here you three go" Hamish said as he handed out three slips of paper for each person

"all of them are nice and simple requests" Hamish said as the three devils looked at the requests and back up at him

"your kidding us right?" issei said blandly

"yes I too don't think this is a good idea" kiba said as he gave the two drugged out girls a concerned look each

"oh don't worry I'll take care of them now get out of here and if any of you run into trouble just call me" Hamish said as he held out three business card that all took and read it

'sapphire hellraisers crisis hotline, don't worry I'll kill it!'

"now get out of here" Hamish encouraged as the three slowly all moved out giving the other glances of worry as they were leaving them behind with what the believed was an absolutely insane psychopath

When in reality Hamish was just off his rockers

"meh they'll get the difference later, now who wants to read comics?" Hamish wondered as rias held up her hand in stoned lazy excitement.

"yep just another day but with more people involved"

* * *

 **there done now I hope no ones going off at me for taking so long so here you go**

 **again only excuse I can say for taking so long is because I'm writing a new fic and I gotta say its kinda of a passion project so to speak**

 **anyway before you leave don't forget to leave a**

 **fave**

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 **and review**

 **LATERS!**


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